896 replies to this topic

[panky]

How do you think the unthinkable?

with an icethberg 

[panky]

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A Labracadabrador!!

[DJS911]

Toyah Wilcox and Jonathan Ross break into a distillery.

Toyah says: "Is this Whiskey?"

Ross responds: "Yes, but not as Whiskey as wobbing a bank".

[DJS911]

What's brown and sticky?




A stick.

[DJS911]

I bought my wife Mary Berry's cookery book in the Boxing Day sales.
I tried to get her Paul Hollywood's but he'd sold out.

[panky]

Never trust a word an atom says  - they make up everything

[DJS911]

I fell into an upholstery machine earlier.
Don't worry I'm fully recovered now.



I was described as a bit of a looker earlier.
Well, "voyeur" was the word the magistrate actually used.




My colleague just asked if I could fill her slot at next weeks Innuendo seminar.

[panky]

92% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

No wait .. 93%

[DJS911]

I've just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
It's bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.



Life is so unfair.
When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. Yet when a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).

[b_sdaddy]

I babysat for a Blacksmith's dog last weekend.

 

When I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

[DJS911]

I've just attended a seminar on non-screwed mechanical fixings.

It was riveting.

[SecretSugar]

If a midget smokes weed, would he get medium instead of high?

[DJS911]

I received a letter from Screw Fix Direct today.
They thanked me for my interest but explained that they're not a dating agency.

[xrocketengineer]

My wife likes to share her feelings with those around her. She wants them to feel the way she does.

 

She is always miserable.

[minimans]

I used to suffer from kleptomania................But I took something for it..........