896 replies to this topic

[Laurie]

There's a new sex position, it's called the Parcelforce.

You stay in all day and no one comes

[panky]

My mate just got the sack from the dodgems. He is going to sue them for funfair dismissal

[DJS911]

An Islamaphobe, a white supremacist and a sexual predator walk into a bar.

The barman says: "What will it be Mr Trump?"

[panky]

Sadly, the guy who invented predictive text has passed away - the funeral is next monkey

[panky]

Not a joke but I like this

 

 Spanner Chicks.jpg   20.07K   8 downloads

[xrocketengineer]

Not a joke but I like this

 

Spanner Chicks.jpg

Oh so cute!  What breed are they, metric or Imperial?

[Northernpower]

Not a joke but I like this
 
Spanner Chicks.jpg

Oh so cute!  What breed are they, metric or Imperial?

I think they're silver tailed nutcatchers. I believe if they're not handled firmly they can take the skin off your knuckles.

Edited by Northernpower, 25 August 2017 - 07:44 AM.

[panky]

I'm surprised there wasn't a crows foot in there somewhere

[Homersimpson]

My wife and I found the secret to a long and happy marriage is to go out twice a week, a little dinner, dancing and a smooch on the way home.

 

She goes fridays and I go saturdays.

 

 

 

A man walks into a bar and orders a double whiskey, he drinks it back and then orders another, he drinks it back and orders another, he drinks this one back as well and then orders another.  The bar man says to him, are you alright sir, you have just drunk three double scotches?  The man says not, to be honest I shouldn't be drinking this with what I have got.  The barman says, oh dear sir, what have you got and the man replies one pound fifty!.

[SecretSugar]

Cat puns really freak meowt, I'm not kitten!

I got married today, it's been an emotional day, even the cake was in tiers

[Northernpower]

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. 

But do you really know the difference between them? 

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?' 

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' 

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is No difference in the outcome.

Both are fatal

[Northernpower]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. 
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' 

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. 
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. 

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. 

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. 
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' 

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. 

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. 
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. 
You were close, but no free sex this time.' 

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' 

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all. 
My wife won twice last week.

Edited by Northernpower, 01 September 2017 - 08:22 AM.

[xrocketengineer]

Have you seen the new TV series the Vampire Diary?

 

Day One;

I sucked

 

Day Two;

I sucked

 

Day Three;

I sucked....

Edited by xrocketengineer, 03 September 2017 - 01:03 AM.

[DJS911]

It was reported last night that the singer Beyoncé is in fact the love child of the late great presenter of "Record Breakers"', Roy Castle.

Her record company has announced that whilst she is delighted with the news she is not intending to take her late Father's surname.

[SecretSugar]

What does a horny toad say? Rubbit