896 replies to this topic

[MacGyver]

A mother walks in the living room and sees her son running in a circle, she looks at her husband and asks:
Why is our son running in a circle like that?!
The father replies:
I have no idea, but if he doesn't stop in a minute I'll nail his other foot down!

[SecretSugar]

Why did the toilet roll down the hill? So it could get to the bottom

[panky]

I actually groaned out loud with that one

[panky]

Two wind turbines in a field. One says to the other 'What music are you into?' The other replied 'I'm a huge metal fan'

[Northernpower]

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."

 

 

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Northernpower]

Schrodinger and Heisenberg get pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies "No, because we knew exactly where we were."

 

Thinking this to be suspicious the cop searches the car and asks them to pop the boot. He then returns to the window and says "Did you know you had a dead cat in your boot?" and Schrodinger replies "Well, we couldn't be sure until someone looked."

 

They were both promptly arrested.

[panky]

I had to look them up

[DJS911]

I went to the zoo today but was really disappointed that they only had one dog.

It was a Shitzu.

[Northernpower]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" 

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

[Northernpower]

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[panky]

Time for some Christmas cracker jokes.

Who is Santa's favorite singer?...............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.............Elveis Presley

[SecretSugar]

Me and my fella went to a restaurant last week, I had the wookie steak... it was chewy! My fella had the venison, it was very deer.

[panky]

What do you call a train full off toffee?

 

A Chew Chew

 

I'll get me coat

[M J W J]

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.[/size]
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.[/size]
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.[/size]

Or if you are a physicist you duck

https://what-if.xkcd.com/6/

[panky]

I took the shell off a snail to try and make it go faster but it just made it more sluggish