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Just For The 'pun' Of It


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#766 DJS911

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Posted 15 December 2017 - 04:47 PM

Good grammar:

The difference between knowing your sh*t

and knowing you're sh*t

Edited by DJS911, 15 December 2017 - 04:48 PM.


#767 panky

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Posted 20 December 2017 - 06:15 PM

Kim Jong Un will play Santa this year in the South’s annual pantomime. He said he fancied a Korea change



#768 panky

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Posted 21 December 2017 - 09:43 AM

What do you get for the man who has everything?

 

 

Antibiotics 



#769 Northernpower

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Posted 21 December 2017 - 12:42 PM

You know you’re a mechanic when:-

You have no trouble spending more money on the tool van than you do on your partner.

You know every type of automotive fluid by taste, but not by choice

You know horsepower determines how fast you’ll hit the wall, whereas torque determines how much of the wall you’ll remove

You know a trolley jack will support your car but you can’t pull it over a zip tie.

You cry because after the divorce she sold the parts for what you told her they cost.

Leftover parts mean you just made it lighter and therefore better.

You know your car will never wake up and tell you it doesn’t love you anymore.



#770 panky

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Posted 23 December 2017 - 10:32 AM

What happens if Santa gets stuck in the chimney?

 

 

He gets Clausetrophobia.



#771 panky

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Posted 23 December 2017 - 10:47 AM

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus weighed 4.2 kg? 

They had a weigh in the manger



#772 xrocketengineer

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Posted 24 December 2017 - 01:22 AM

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.   One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.  Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.


She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.



#773 xrocketengineer

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Posted 27 December 2017 - 01:31 AM

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.  Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. 

“Rita, Rita ?” 

"Is that you, Joe?” 

“Yes, I've come back like we agreed."“That's wonderful!  What's it like?” 

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.  I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.  I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.  Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens).  Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.  After supper, it's back to the golf course.  Then it's more sex until late at night.  I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.” 

"Oh, Bob!  Are you in Heaven?" 

“No, … I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona.



#774 SecretSugar

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Posted 05 January 2018 - 10:26 PM

How do you circumcise a whale? You send down four skin divers...

#775 DJS911

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Posted 18 January 2018 - 05:40 AM

Prince Harry has said that he doesn’t want the traditional fruitcake at his wedding.


Prince Philip has said he doesn’t care and is still going to go.

#776 SecretSugar

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 07:19 PM

I told boyfriend to meet me in town at 12:59. He wanted to know why and I said “so we can have some one to one time”

#777 DJS911

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Posted 04 February 2018 - 11:29 AM

During my recent Equality and Diversity training course I was asked how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently “in 4K UHD on a 52” TV” was not the right answer.

#778 M J W J

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Posted 05 February 2018 - 11:31 PM

How do you make four old ladies say "f***!"

Get a fifth to shout "BINGO!!!"

#779 panky

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Posted 07 February 2018 - 02:52 PM

I wonder what Elon Musk will put down as his annual mileage on his Roadster for insurance purposes, and is the Starman a named driver.


Edited by panky, 07 February 2018 - 03:07 PM.


#780 panky

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Posted 09 February 2018 - 07:18 PM

How many of the spice girls can drink petrol?
Sporty cant.
Posh cant.
Scary cant.
Baby can't.



Geri can






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