896 replies to this topic

[alex-95]

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

 

Ten-ticles

[mini-mad-mark]

What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?

Edward

 

What do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head?

Edward Woodward

 

What do you call a man with four planks of wood on his head?

Dunno but Edward Woodward would

[SecretSugar]

Three sisters, Ann, jan and *******. Two of the sisters Ann and Jan went on a double date. Their dates said to them “gosh, you two have huge feet”. Ann replies, “You should see our *******’s they’re massive”

[panky]

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet. Only for about twenty seconds - and only once

[panky]

Disgusted to hear that despite the recent fiasco of DHL failing to deliver KFC products that they have now gone and won the Cadburys contract, great timing just before Easter! 

Problem is they now don't know what to deliver first.. The chicken or the egg! 

[SecretSugar]

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit? An egg!

[xrocketengineer]

I have seen my inner beauty!  And I got the pictures from my colonoscopy to prove it ..... even though some of them are "crappy".

[M J W J]

My boss said to me "you've been late for the third time this week. Do you know what this means?!"

"Err... Yeah. It's Wednesday"

[DJS911]

Doctor: “I’m sorry but you have a terminal illness and only have 10 to live”

Patient: “What do you mean 10?, 10 what? months? weeks?”

Doctor: “9, 8, 7..........”

[SecretSugar]

Man walks into his kitchen to see his wife propping up one side of the washer with bricks. “What on earth are you doing?” He says. “I’m putting the washing on a 30dehree wash” his wife says

[M J W J]

What do you do if your wife leaves the kitchen? Shorten the chain

Why are wedding dresses white? So they match the washing machine and iron

What do you do if your wife comes staggering towards you covered in blood? Calm down then reload.

[Cooperman]

“My wife texted me this evening to say she was in casualty. But I’ve watched two episodes now and I haven’t seen her once. I’m still waiting for my dinner.”

[DJS911]

Ever since it started snowing my wife has been staring through the window.

I guess if it gets it gets much colder I’m going to have to let her in.

[SecretSugar]

How do you know that Will Smith has been in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.

[Northernpower]

Why didn't Jesus come from Hartlepool?

 

They couldn't find three wise men and virgin.

 

A girl in Hartlepool is wearing a white shell suit, what do you call her?

 

The bride.