896 replies to this topic

[alex-95]

How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

You will see one later and one in a while.

[panky]

What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel?

One is weasely recognised and the other is stoatally different.

[Northernpower]

A blonde was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down...
 
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble”.
 
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
 
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
 
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
 
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
 
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

[xrocketengineer]

Russian Roulette, you never know if it is loaded.

 

Like farting after a laxative.

[greenwheels]

My phone has to wear spectacles 'because it's lost its contacts.

[SecretSugar]

What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce? Chicken Caesar salad

[xrocketengineer]

The best version of Microsoft Windows OS with not a single user problem or complaint ever!  Microsoft Windows version 9! 

[jonlad]

^{Why are there no tablets in the jungle?  Because the parrots et em all!}

Edited by jonlad, 25 May 2018 - 01:38 PM.

[panky]

I used to be addicted to the hokey cokey but I turned myself around

[DJS911]

This may be of interest to someone.
My best mate has got two tickets in a corporate box for the World Cup final.
He paid £800 each including flights but when he bought the tickets four months ago he didn’t realise that it was on the same day as his wedding!
He is therefore looking for someone to take his place if anyone is interested.

It’s at Portsmouth Road registry office at 4pm. The bride’s name is Nicola and she is 5’6”, about 8 stone, quite pretty and a good cook.
PM for more details.

[Cooperman]

On the night of his inauguration, Trump is visited by three ghosts.

Early in the night, FDR appears. When Trump asks him how he can make America great, FDR replies “Think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets.” Trump’s face sours, and he yells “FAKE NEWS!”

A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Trump asks “how can I make America great again?” Washington replies “I would suggest you never tell a lie”, which infuriates Trump.

Around three in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks “how can I make America great again?”. Lincoln responds, “go to the theater.”

[xrocketengineer]

I am pretty sure that they are very happy with him at the "Ford Theater" with the 25% tariff that Trump imposed on the Ford's that would have been imported from China.

 

Not to get too far from the subject, "Make America Great Again" is not a new slogan. It was used by another group before. The parallels are very scary. Watch the video. I did not learn about this until recently.

 

.    

Edited by xrocketengineer, 10 July 2018 - 03:11 AM.

[Bat]

Hi,

My wife crashed her car yesterday.

She told the police that the man who she hit was on his mobile phone and drinking beer.

 

 

 

 

 

The police told her that he's entitled to do whatever he wants in his own back garden.

Cheers 

Edited by Bat, 23 July 2018 - 01:10 PM.

[New game mini]

My friend keeps saying “Cheer up mate it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water!”

I know he means well

[xrocketengineer]

True Blonde Story

 

In the early days of the Space Shuttle, landing at the Kennedy Space Center was next to an impossibility since the runway was narrow (unsafe) compared to landing in the desert. The brakes had the habit of destroying themselves during the landing, requiring removing the main landing gear tires and brakes, replacing the tires and then towing. Additionally, the nose wheel steering in the flight simulator in Houston had the unusual characteristic that when it was turned on, it would make a "hard  left" when initializing and nobody wanted to try it on the flight vehicle. These things made the landing at KSC "challenging" to say the least if you had to steer the orbiter during the landing.

Eventually, these problems were being fixed and additionally a new drag chute would make things better for a Florida landing. Houston asked our group to measure the roll out distances after the upcoming landings to compare with the on board telemetry. My group did not have any equipment at the time for such measurements. I asked my landing gear lead engineer (a very cute blonde from North Carolina with the most unbelievable and sweetest southern accent this side of "Gone with the Wind") to check with the landing aids group to see if they could take post landing measurements for us, since I understood that they had optical equipment they used to align their equipment on the runway. 

When she got back, she told me that they were more than happy to take the measurements for us (she sort of had this effect on people). I asked her what was the name of the person she talked to. She struggled to remember and then her beautiful smile shone through. "His name is Theo" - she said. Then I asked her what was his last name. "Dolite, yes, his name is Theo Dolite" she said. I started laughing and I could not control myself.....

 

PS In case you missed it:

 

https://en.wikipedia...eodolite#Simple