896 replies to this topic

[Bat]

I've always fancied a job cleaning mirrors...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Definitely a job I could see myself doing!

[Bat]

A man was arrested yesterday after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He's being bailed tomorrow.

[Bat]

Dirty Derek our local flasher is thinking of retiring...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But has decided to stick it out for another year.

[Aaron3]

A customer asked the assistant ‘where might I find the Irish sausages?’

Assistant, why are you Irish?

Customer clearly shocked by the comment, ‘yes I am Irish, but may I ask you a question?

If I asked for pizza would you assume I’m Italian?
If I wanted hotdogs would you think I’m American?
What if I wanted tacos would you presume I’m from Mexico?

Assistant, ‘no I probably wouldn’t!

Customer ‘so why ask if I’m Irish?

Assistant ‘sir, You are in Halfords!

???

[Bat]

A man goes into the doctors with a steering wheel in his pants.

Doctor "What happened here then?"

Patient "I don't know but it's driving me nuts..."

 

[SecretSugar]

What a sad story...a guy I know, his wife left him and took his Bob Marley collection and his satellite dish. Poor guy! No woman no sky.

[SecretSugar]

A guy was waiting to get his hair cut but it was busy. After a 45 min wait, the manager started to hand out burgers and hot dogs, the guy said it was the best barber queue he’s ever been too.

Edited by SecretSugar, 29 August 2018 - 12:33 PM.

[SecretSugar]

I had a bottle of Omega 3 pills thrown at me the other day. Luckily I escaped with just Super Fish Oil injuries.

[Podman]

I was in the chemist, and a lady said to me "does this Viagra work?"

 

I said "I believe it does, yes"

 

she then asked "Can you get it over the counter?"

 

I said "I might do if I take a couple!"

[SecretSugar]

A blowfly goes into a bar and says to the barman “is this stool taken?”

[SecretSugar]

I’m the new manager at McDonald’s farm. I’m a CIEIO

[Bat]

This morning I had two guys standing on my doorstep telling me how brown bread was going to save the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Damn Hovis witnesses!

[SecretSugar]

Went to job centre today to look at the weekly job advertisements. I was asked if I would consider voluntary work. I told them straight...I wouldn’t do that if they paid me

[will_]

I’ve told you a million times about exaggerating .....

[Magneto]

To be Frank......

 

I'd have to change my name.