896 replies to this topic

[alex-95]

a man goes to a halloween costume party wearing nothing except his underwear and a woman on his back.

 

His friends ask "What are you supposed to be, then?" 
"I'm a turtle," the man replies.
" A Turtle, How are you a turtle?, who's the woman on your back?"
"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

[panky]

I used to clean toilets in a war zone... I still suffer from flushbacks

[panky]

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing except his underwear.

His friends ask "What are you supposed to be, then?" 
"I'm a premature ejaculation." the man replies.
" Huh?"
"I've come in my pants!"

[DJS911]

I was stopped outside Boots this morning by one of their market researchers who asked me what products I used for grooming.

She was somewhat surprised when I responded "Facebook".

[xrocketengineer]

A man goes to a costume party wearing absolutely nothing and painted red from head to toe. Another party goer asked him what was he supposed to be, and he answered - "A firecracker, don't you see my fuse?"

[Northernpower]

If a man can remember the colour of your eyes after your first date it means your boobs are too small.

[Ben_O]

If you have been forced to walk 500 miles and then made to walk 500 more, you could call the pro-claimers

[Northernpower]

Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.

 

Today I lost my job as a bus driver.

[1984mini25]

I bought a new stick deodorant the other day. The instructions said: remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but every time I fart, the room smells lovely.

[xrocketengineer]

My wife has partial amnesia. She can not remember the things that she needs to do. However, she remembers to remind me of all the things that she wants me to do. 

[xrocketengineer]

When my wife and I got married, I wanted to share everything. So what was mine, was hers. Very soon I found out that what was hers, was hers.   

[xrocketengineer]

I found some honest advertisement in Cape Canaveral today:

 

 

[DJS911]

A lady walks into a Porsche dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Porsche and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Hello madame, How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, what's the price of this lovely car?"


He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to sh!t yourself when I tell you the price."

[xrocketengineer]

My wife bought me some underwear that was "very inexpensive". They have very bright red and blue stripes and they have to be washed separately because they stain everything.  I was surprised to find myself with "racing stripes" the first time I wore them since I sweat so much.

 

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Edited by xrocketengineer, 11 April 2017 - 02:02 AM.

[Northernpower]

Two blondes are talking, the first one says, "I've slept with a Brazillion", the second one horrified says, "you're just cheap" and then says, how many is a brazillion?

Edited by Northernpower, 11 April 2017 - 08:06 AM.