896 replies to this topic

[DJS911]

I used to work as a DJ at raves at Stonehenge.

But I don't mix in those circles anymore.




I can tell a lot about my wife's mood just by looking at her hands.

If they're holding a knife I know I'm in trouble.

[DJS911]

I've just found my first grey pubic hair

.....and told the waiter to get me a new bowl of Tomato soup.

[DJS911]

I'm really fed up with being used as a thesaurus.

The other day my mate asked me for another term for "monkey dung" and I went ape sh t.

Edited by DJS911, 26 November 2016 - 06:05 PM.

[New game mini]

I was delighted when the kind people at the inland revenue sent me a letter saying that my tax return was 'outstanding', particularly as I can't even remember sending it in!

[panky]

How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Put them in water and if it sinks it's a girl, if it floats then it's a boy-ant

[panky]

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean 

[greenwheels]

If quiz's are quizzical, what are tests?

[SecretSugar]

Whats the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A porcupine has pricks on the outside

What's the difference between a clever dwarf and a woman's yeast infection?

One is a cunning runt while the other is a running...


What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

A pick-pocket snatches watches.......

[New game mini]

I used to have a job circumsising elephants. The money wasn't great but the tips were huge!

[Northernpower]

If I discovered a new animal I'd call it a Quorn; just to mess up the vegetarians.

 

My wife told me sex is better on holiday, that wasn't a nice post card to send.

[sledgehammer]

my wife moans during sex while abroad - I wouldn't mind , but the phone call costs a fortune

 

remember mini fans -

 

                      - a+ engines are ribbed for extra pleasure strength

[xrocketengineer]

my wife moans during sex while abroad - I wouldn't mind , but the phone call costs a fortune

 

remember mini fans -

 

                      - a+ engines are ribbed for extra pleasure strength

I am picturing this. Its not the ribbing, its all the sharp edges....

[panky]

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

[xrocketengineer]

A man went to a Doctor and said:

- Doctor, I want you to perform on me a castration.

The Doctor was surprised by the request and replied:

- Are you sure that is what you want?

The man replied - Yes.

The procedure was eventually performed and the man was waking up after the surgery in the recovery room.

Another man is in the next bed and asked him:

What did they do to you?

The first man replied - I had a castration.

The second man asked -  Did it hurt a lot?

The first man - A little. What did they do to you?

The second man - I had a circumcision.

The first man - That was the word I could not remember!

[panky]

Dohhhh