896 replies to this topic

[BlueAnorak]

Donald Trump has just announced he is banning the sale of pre-fragmented cheese products from China.

 

He wants to make America grate again.

[BlueAnorak]

I came out of my house yesterday to find a bloke unscrewing my garden gate.

 

I didn't like to mention it, in case he took offence.

[Wiggy]

Did you hear that someone was shot in Guildford the other day, with a starting pistol?

Police reckon it was race related.

[DJS911]

The kids keep taking the mickey out of my Alzheimer’s.

They’re not going to find it so funny when they wake up on Xmas morning to find no eggs under the bonfire.

[panky]

If you were offered the car of your dreams or the woman of your dreams which would you choose.............
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.Petrol or diesel?

[DJS911]

I went to see my GP yesterday because I can’t stop thinking about Giants and it really scares me.

He said I’m suffering from Feefiephobia.

[M J W J]

What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?

Artificial Intelligence

[panky]

 

Just been quoted £2k 
to insure a DeLorean. 
Seems expensive as 
I only intend to drive 
it from time to time...

Edited by panky, 31 December 2018 - 11:21 PM.

[johnR]

I'm quite keen on keeping fit but what with Christmas and all the pounds have gone on so I was interested to see in the paper that a new acrobatics club for paraplegics was opening locally. I filled in the application but they made me bend over backwards to join and it cost me an arm and a leg!

[Podman]

I hired a Limousine for a grand, and the driver didn't turn up!!

 

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

[Cooperman]

A guy was badly mauled by a tiger.

He was rushed to hospital where, whilst being prepared for surgery, he was asked "are you allergic to anything"?

"Yes", he replied, "f*****g tigers"!

[M J W J]

Me to woman at bus stop: "When's it due?"

Woman: "I'M NOT PREGNANT!"

Me: "I meant the bus, fatty"

[panky]

How do you stop your mouth from freezing in winter conditions? Grit your teeth.

[DJS911]

I picked up a Dalek that was hitchhiking yesterday.

I said “Where are you going?”

He replied “Exeter mate, Exeter mate”.

[M J W J]

Man finds a genie and the genie says to him, "I only grant people one wish so make it a good one."

Man thinks for a bit then says "my wife has always wanted to go to American but hates flying and gets sea sick really easily. Could you build me a bridge from Europe to America?"

The genie replies "the engineering challenges involved would be enormous. Have you ever though about how tectonic plates move, the weather you'd face and how long it would take to drive? Are you sure there isn't something else you'd wish for?"

The man thinks for a second and says" well I've got two teenage daughters and along with their mother their logic baffles me. Can you make it so I can understand them?"

The genie replies" so about this bridge then. Two lanes or four? "