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Just For The 'pun' Of It


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#841 BlueAnorak

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Posted 13 November 2018 - 12:12 AM

Donald Trump has just announced he is banning the sale of pre-fragmented cheese products from China.
 
He wants to make America grate again.


#842 BlueAnorak

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Posted 13 November 2018 - 12:14 AM

I came out of my house yesterday to find a bloke unscrewing my garden gate.

 
I didn't like to mention it, in case he took offence.


#843 Wiggy

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Posted 13 November 2018 - 12:06 PM

Did you hear that someone was shot in Guildford the other day, with a starting pistol?

Police reckon it was race related.

#844 DJS911

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Posted 08 December 2018 - 07:46 AM

The kids keep taking the mickey out of my Alzheimer’s.

They’re not going to find it so funny when they wake up on Xmas morning to find no eggs under the bonfire.

#845 panky

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Posted 08 December 2018 - 11:15 AM

If you were offered the car of your dreams or the woman of your dreams which would you choose.............
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.Petrol or diesel?



#846 DJS911

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Posted 14 December 2018 - 06:16 AM

I went to see my GP yesterday because I can’t stop thinking about Giants and it really scares me.

He said I’m suffering from Feefiephobia.

#847 M J W J

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Posted 31 December 2018 - 06:46 PM

What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?

Artificial Intelligence

#848 panky

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Posted 31 December 2018 - 11:17 PM

 
Just been quoted £2k 
to insure a DeLorean. 
Seems expensive as 
I only intend to drive 
it from time to time...

Edited by panky, 31 December 2018 - 11:21 PM.


#849 johnR

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Posted 03 January 2019 - 10:56 PM

I'm quite keen on keeping fit but what with Christmas and all the pounds have gone on so I was interested to see in the paper that a new acrobatics club for paraplegics was opening locally. I filled in the application but they made me bend over backwards to join and it cost me an arm and a leg!

#850 Podman

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Posted 05 January 2019 - 09:00 AM

I hired a Limousine for a grand, and the driver didn't turn up!!

 

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.



#851 Cooperman

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Posted 19 January 2019 - 12:02 AM

A guy was badly mauled by a tiger.

He was rushed to hospital where, whilst being prepared for surgery, he was asked "are you allergic to anything"?

"Yes", he replied, "f*****g tigers"!



#852 M J W J

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Posted 26 January 2019 - 08:40 PM

Me to woman at bus stop: "When's it due?"

Woman: "I'M NOT PREGNANT!"

Me: "I meant the bus, fatty"

#853 panky

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Posted 31 January 2019 - 10:13 AM

How do you stop your mouth from freezing in winter conditions? Grit your teeth.



#854 DJS911

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Posted 27 March 2019 - 10:15 AM

I picked up a Dalek that was hitchhiking yesterday.

I said “Where are you going?”

He replied “Exeter mate, Exeter mate”.

#855 M J W J

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Posted 05 April 2019 - 05:30 PM

Man finds a genie and the genie says to him, "I only grant people one wish so make it a good one."

Man thinks for a bit then says "my wife has always wanted to go to American but hates flying and gets sea sick really easily. Could you build me a bridge from Europe to America?"

The genie replies "the engineering challenges involved would be enormous. Have you ever though about how tectonic plates move, the weather you'd face and how long it would take to drive? Are you sure there isn't something else you'd wish for?"

The man thinks for a second and says" well I've got two teenage daughters and along with their mother their logic baffles me. Can you make it so I can understand them?"

The genie replies" so about this bridge then. Two lanes or four? "




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