62 replies to this topic

[Mini-Mad-Craig]

I think the only way I'll ever be happy in life is if I can be promised an utter true certainty in things that can never be certain. I can and do have it all but still it isn't enough, because I cant be sure that what I have will last forever, but thats all I want, what I have.

I'm getting sick of my mind placing blame, I'm sick and tired of never being able to feel some kind of true contentment like most people in this world seem to have. I'm sick of holding people back just from existing in their lives, I'm sick of feeling as though me having what I do is wrong, that in having what I have I'm doing wrong by the people that exist within that. I'm sick of my mind

I'm sick of polluting the pages of this wonderful community with things I should really be telling somebody that can try to fix me

Edited by Mini-Mad-Craig, 25 January 2013 - 12:49 AM.

[minimarco]

You have too much free time to think. Get a job.

To be serious, there is no need to fear change. The same Simon you knew yesterday won't be the same as the one tomorrow or the one a week or a year from now. Nothing is forever and nothing belongs to anyone. You might not realize that until you lose it all...

Life is not a race to find contentment. Society may have taught us it's a race to the top, to make money, to consume. It's not about what you have. Find peace in your own path instead.

Edited by minimarco, 25 January 2013 - 01:16 AM.

[Mini-Mad-Craig]

Currently in the process of that arent I . My last job ended up being too much and my OCD was so disabling I ended up leaving after it being concluded it was doing no good for my mental health and was just making me far far worse

[minimarco]

In what way was it too much?

[Mini-Mad-Craig]

Mentally exhausting, tripling my workload by having to do things over and over, causing me huge anxiety over pathetic things and generally making me feel like I wanted to just give up

[minimarco]

Oh yeah, sounds like work.

[Mini-Mad-Craig]

You have too much free time to think. Get a job.

To be serious, there is no need to fear change. The same Simon you knew yesterday won't be the same as the one tomorrow or the one a week or a year from now. Nothing is forever and nothing belongs to anyone. You might not realize that until you lose it all...

Life is not a race to find contentment. Society may have taught us it's a race to the top, to make money, to consume. It's not about what you have. Find peace in your own path instead.

I've never wanted to be at the top, or to have anything other than love and that is it really. Money has meant nothing to me since before I can remember and the only thing that I possess which has true value to me is my car and that's because it's the one thing I do have control over, the one thing that it's only down to me to keep consistent in my life, the one thing that can do the whole journey with me and never be taken away.

If nothing is forever then surely there is no point in love, and love is the only thing which really matters anyway. If you can put that as second best to the life society created for you to follow then what kind of world do we live in? What if I feel like I have everything I could ever need right now, and I'm just waiting for life to take that away? What if I've already found everything I've ever wanted and contentment, what if peace in my own path means having nothing but somebody to care about, somebody to dedicate everything I have to?

[Mini-Mad-Craig]

The worst part is that I know exactly what you're saying. This is what OCD is, one massive big mess

[minimarco]

I've never wanted to be at the top, or to have anything other than love and that is it really. Money has meant nothing to me since before I can remember and the only thing that I possess which has true value to me is my car and that's because it's the one thing I do have control over, the one thing that it's only down to me to keep consistent in my life, the one thing that can do the whole journey with me and never be taken away.

If nothing is forever then surely there is no point in love, and love is the only thing which really matters anyway. If you can put that as second best to the life society created for you to follow then what kind of world do we live in? What if I feel like I have everything I could ever need right now, and I'm just waiting for life to take that away? What if I've already found everything I've ever wanted and contentment, what if peace in my own path means having nothing but somebody to care about, somebody to dedicate everything I have to?

Argon is forever. Something like 1% of air we breath contains argon. It is an inert gas and it doesn't change as it is being breathed upon (I don't know how or what inert gas means, but) so every breath you take is connected to the history of the world. Dinosaurs and Hitler and everyone in history breathed the argon that's in your lungs right now. That's a useless piece of info but it gives me peace to think about how we are connected.

Anyway, I think there is no real point in love individually. I think as a species it guides us, but individually, I don't think it's necessary. That's just me. I find the noise of a child's laughter to be very annoying. That's just me.

A book gets boring if you keep reading the same page you know. Even if it's really great, or terrible, you have to turn the page.

I mentioned being on top because you said "I'm sick and tired of never being able to feel some kind of true contentment like most people in this world seem to have. I'm sick of holding people back just from existing in their lives" I don't see most people being content, I see a lot of fakers and liars though. And you are not holding anyone back, it's not a race remember? =P

Edited by minimarco, 25 January 2013 - 02:28 AM.

[Mini-Mad-Craig]

I have the doctors next Friday for my OCD. I think I've decided I do want medication since it's making me depressed and generally feeling very down. I have a new job and I really want (read need) to hold this one down, to prove to people that I can do it, and more importantly prove to myself! (Plus finish Rita at last).

 

I know they effect people in different ways and some people will disagree with my decision but it just effects me way too much for me not to do this now.

 

Does anybody have experience with getting meds from the doctors? I've been through a course of therapy (CBT) which apparently has a large recovery rate, but it didnt help me at all. I'm not sure what I'll need to do to convince the doctor that medication is right for me but I'm at the bitter end of this, I'm sick of it ruling my life, defining who I am and being what I live through everyday. Any ideas or suggestions TMF?

[Mini-Mad-Craig]

Also worth adding I guess that the first time I went to the doctors about my OCD I was about 12, and I got told I'd probably grow out of it and referred to an autistic center to do some kind of 'fun activity' with other people suffering from mental illness. She didnt seem to have a great understanding of OCD and I fear this will make it harder

[cagy]

I'm sure that if you tell the doctor that the treatment didn't work and that your condition is getting you down and that you need something to help improve your day to day living so you can continue your life, hold down your job etc I'm sure he won't put up a fight. If he does ask for a referral to a specialist.

[ShaunaFTW]

My best friend has serious anxiety issues but doesn't take any meds for them. He won't even leave the house alone unless he knows he won't have to speak to someone. I have slight ocd/anxiety problems. I get extremely anxious if I'm even close to running late, I'm in work 20mins early just in case which is ridiculous because I live 7mins away. Good luck with it though, can imagine it takes over quite a bit

[fattail95]

Craig, I know and feel your pain oh so well. As a child, I was paranoid that my mother (who'm I loved dearly, more than anything else in the world) would die.  These constant thoughts and worries about something so close to you never being there again, made me want to be near her as much as I could.  Being separated from her for any period of time caused me to worry that something bad may happen, and I was not there to protect her from it.  To someone who does not suffer from this, it seems very odd, but living life with this constant fear is horrible - all you want to do is be around them, and know they are ok, and this prevents you from moving forward with things in your life.  As long as they are there and they are fine, you feel that is all you need in your life.  The mere thought that this person is inevitably going to be gone from your life at one point is horrendous, having to live without them seems awful.

 

On Sunday 13th March 2011, when I was 15, my mother passed away.  It was the most painful thing I have ever felt in my life. That moment that I'd been scared of happening ever since I could remember was here.  When I first heard it, I could hardly breathe, she had been suffering from cancer for 2 years prior, and an ulcer in her neck had burst and filled her lungs with blood.  I would do anything to have her back, even for just one last hug.  I tried to fight my depression for 2 years, but last month I was prescribed Prozac to try and help me get things back on track.  Sure, it helps level your mind, but it is in no way the miracle cure I was hoping for - all that happens is that are unable to process/feel extreme emotion.  On a positive note, it does help you cope with bad things that may happen, instead of breaking down you are able to tackle them.  I fully understand what you mean about being promised about things that can never be, my mum promised and promised and reassured that it would never happen, but I knew it would, and that very knowledge tore me up inside. It was almost like I was grieving before she'd even died if that makes sense?  

 

The death of my mother caused me to be, as you are, quite a materialistic person.  My mini is where I concentrate my efforts on, as its something i know i can keep "alive", that it cannot for any random reason leave me.  A lot of my emotion goes into that car, I feel as though I can depend on it to be there for me and when things go wrong with it that makes it all the more difficult to take.  However, unlike humans, I know it can be repaired, and that in itself is reassuring.

I know how you feel mate, and I do would love to know how to overcome it, as I've not yet had any success.

 

Sorry for the huge spill of emotion, but it's liberating to know that someone shares the same feelings as I do. 

 

Benjamin

[Mini-Mad-Craig]

Thanks for sharing Benjamin, it takes a lot to do on an open forum and I appreciate that you have opened up with an account based upon first hand experience. I'm really sorry to hear about your mum, that must have been a really hard thing for you and your family to go through

 

You're definitely right about it feeling like a grieving process. I can't really explain the turmoil in my mind from the second I wake until the second I go to sleep. I have heard so many different stories detailing the various successes of medication, and also lots that say that it wasn't so good. I'm terrified of losing what I am, without my OCD. I'm an extremely loving person and I know that Prozac effectively numbs down the emotions, so that you stop feeling the extremes; you stop feeling those extremes of emotion which make you burst into tears through frustration, wondering how and why, and the extremes that make your whole body glow with warmth just for a second, remembering something so special with the person you care most about, something nobody should lose for a second in their life. You just feel a numbness - you stop feeling. I guess in a way we're trapped, trapped in a place that means we can stay as we are and learn to deal with what we have been dealt or use the various medications and therapies available to us in an effort to stop this demonic hateful creature inside our heads from taking over.

 

I dont know how I can begin to explain my OCD anymore, It's so much of who I am, so much of the ways I live my life, so much of my time and so much of my thought process that without it I feel like I'd shut down, without having the pattern of thoughts which OCD brings (constant, you never really get away from it for any waking second) I dont know how I'd think, I dont know how I'd do things, differently, without a doubt. 

 

I have a job now and I've been there for nearly 2 weeks and it's going well, I've had 4 in the last year and I always end up quitting from a depression which holds me back, makes me feel as though I'm worthless, that I have everything I need and that anything is just wrong, ultimately going to work like everybody else in the world will just take these things away from me. At work my OCD has delved into my ways already, I just work on the checkouts at a local Asda at the moment, but my entire routine is effected by my OCD. I force myself to ask customers certain things which are often completely outrageous, through a fear of something happening to Simon, knowing that they'll never be in that spot again and that opportunity will never come again... I need to do it now, it's irrelevant, maybe I've already asked them... but it has to be said. I can't give out certain carrier bags, I've packed them and asked for bags back through an overwhelming fear that something bad will happen, a feeling that if i ignore I don't care... that makes me a terrible person, even though all I want is for everything to be Okay. I can't give out certain coins, and this makes a shift particularly hard when I'm short on change and should really just give them out without a second thought, I can't, it's 'wrong'. So far it's gone unnoticed, and I guess that's the problem with OCD. People will think you're strange, it can be 95% of your mind a particular day, and yet... it goes unnoticed, you become a master of hiding it, through embarrassment, through shame. 

 

I could have been so much more than I am at this moment in my life, all I've done for my whole life is give up, through protecting people that I care about, through valuing love more than anything else. I did badly at school, I seperated myself, I didn't want friends so much their, just here on TMF, people I felt were 'worth it' to me. People that felt 'right'. 

 

I hope that I can one day move on in my life, I still want to have Simon, I want him to never go away, but I hope that I can become something, I hope my passion for motorsport can someday count for something, whilst Simon studies Motorsport Engineering at University and I work in a dead end job for years because I'm unable to just live.

 

Thanks again for sharing, I hope you start to feel better soon. Feel free to PM me, whenever you like

 

I don't think OCD is a disorder. I think it's a personality, it's who you are, it's the way you feel, your priorities and your morals, it's your life. 

Edited by Mini-Mad-Craig, 05 August 2013 - 10:56 PM.