896 replies to this topic

[Miniman1987]

I'm 27 and the high school bully still takes my lunch money...he does make a good Subway though!

[Ben_O]

You can get high from a helium balloon just by hanging onto it

Edited by Ben_O, 09 July 2015 - 09:11 PM.

[Ben_O]

I never thought i would get a bank loan for my new knitting business but i turned up in one of my knitted balaclavas and had no trouble at all  

[New game mini]

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog, picks it up and starts swinging it round his head..the alarmed shop assistant asks 'can I help?' the blind guy replies 'no thanks, just looking.

[DJS911]

I went into Boots yesterday and asked the lady behind the counter:
"Can I have three condoms please Miss?

She replied "Don't you Miss me!"

"OK then, four condoms please Miss"

[Tamworthbay]

My mate drinks too much brake fluid. I think he might be addicted but he reckons he can stop any time.

[DJS911]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

[DJS911]

I'm a big believer in the theory of the 3 rings of marriage:

First you get the engagement ring,

then you get the wedding ring

and then you get the suffering!

[DJS911]

I can remember where I got married. I can remember when I got married. I just can't remember why.

[Tamworthbay]

I have been on suppositories for two weeks now, for all the good they have done me I may as well have shoved them up my arse.

[Ben_O]

Ok, here are a couple of puns/jokes that my aunt an uncle put in this years B/D card.

 

I had a birthday once.....Never again..... I got so pissed, i married a goat.... It didn't work out, she couldn't have kids!!

 

I do remember my 30th Birthday though, I was 37 at the time..... (god that was a drinking session)

 

I still think Birthdays are a great idea.....In fact we should have one every year.

 

On my Thirtieth birthday, I stripped off and stood in front of the mirror and admired my body thinking i still looked good for my age..... It was a shame that the rest of the shoppers in Asda didn't agree.

 

The Barmaid said to me, 'so what you having old man?'I said 'hey, less of the old. Do you know I still have what it takes to get a young lady up to the bedroom.... Its a Stannah stair lift'...

 

 

He is such a character 

[New game mini]

I was getting in my car today and a man says to me 'can you give me a lift?' I said 'you look great, the world is ur oyster, go for it'

[Chris1992]

they raised the alarm at work today...

 

the midgets were furious! 

[Chris1992]

whats the definition of a will? (its a dead giveaway)

[New game mini]

I went to the dentist and he said 'say aahhh' I said 'why?' He said 'my dogs died'