896 replies to this topic

[SecretSugar]

I don't understand rugby...but I'll try

[bigrob]

I was fired from my job as a litter picker for being under qualified. I thought i could just pick it up along the way

[DJS911]

I went to my local zoo today. There's only one animal in the whole place and that's a dog.

It's a shitzu.

[New game mini]

The RSPCA head offices are tiny...can't swing a cat in there apparently.

[M J W J]

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese!

[Tamworthbay]

I was telling my mate about where I went on holiday in Wales, he said 'Bangor?', I said ' I never even met her!'

[DJS911]

At a traffic warden's funeral the coffin was just being lowered into the ground when a voice was heard from inside shouting "I'm not dead, I'm not dead, let me out!"

The vicar lent over the grave and whispered "too f'ing late mate I've already done the paperwork!"

[Ben_O]

I want to boost up my currant account but i'm having trouble raisin the funds

[Ben_O]

Noah could have made his ark bigger. There wasn't mushroom for the animals

 

It was a Shiitake?

[SecretSugar]

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. 

 

Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he neverlands. - I love this joke because it never gets old.

 

If a guy has a foot fetish and cheats on his wife, does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?

 

Tell the Count if I see him on Sesame Street again, his days are numbered

 

Say Ernie, would you like some sweets? Sher-bert!

 

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator!

Edited by SecretSugar, 29 September 2015 - 10:37 PM.

[DJS911]

I had Bubble and Squeak for breakfast this morning.

Now I'm going to have to buy the kids two new hamsters.

[BlueAnorak]

I once won a competition to find a use for rodent droppings.  I made a ratchet screwdriver.

I used to be interested in farmyard equipment, but now I'm an extractor fan.

I come from a musical family, even the sewing machine is a Singer.

[SecretSugar]

Never make fun of a girl with a lisp...she's probably thick and tired of it!

 

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calender? They each got six months.

 

If two vegetarians argue, does it still mean they have got beef?

 

Ever had sex whilst camping? It's f****** intents.

[SecretSugar]

It's spring!! I'm so excited that I wet my plants.

 

Q - "How much can a whale ejaculate?" -  A - "Well they can do as much as 300 gallons. Thank you! You're whalecum.

 

My relationship with whisky has been on the rocks lately. 

 

A good baker will rise to the occasion, it's the yeast he can do.

Edited by SecretSugar, 06 October 2015 - 05:58 PM.

[New game mini]

I had a dream last night that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like 0MG!