896 replies to this topic

[Ben_O]

I shall have to start cleaning up my own mess.

 

Its my doody

[1984mini25]

I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”

 

Question: What goes ‘clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG’? Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.

 

Did I already do my déjà vu joke?

 

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me,

 

There's a fine line between hyphenated words…

 

My teacher said I'd do much better at school if I stopped flirting… I immediately got off his lap.

 

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial-a-lama.

 

I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, you ****. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.

 

I had an unemployed dwarf do a bit of casual work for me; he asked to be paid under the table.

 

I read today that 10 out of 2 people are dyslectic.

 

My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key.

 

My wife and I decided we don’t want children; if someone wants them, we’ll drop them off tomorrow.

 

My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”

 

I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.

 

There's a man in my neighborhood who is in the Guinness Book of Records for having forty three concussions; he lives very close actually, just a stone's throw away…

 

I got a new job stitching shoes; it was so-so.

 

In school I wanted to join the debating team… but someone talked me out of it.

 

The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job… especially if you’ve got hay fever.

 

I quit my job at the helium gas factory; I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

 

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

[SecretSugar]

I thought I would make an anal joke...butt f*** it...

 

My husband's left me due to my obsession with glass..;I'm shattered

 

So what if I don't know what apocalypse means! It's not the end of the world!!

Edited by SecretSugar, 10 October 2015 - 06:40 PM.

[SecretSugar]

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring!

 

I've accepted the fact that being cremated is my last chance of a smoking hot body.

 

Gay jokes are not funny! come on guys!

 

If it's not related to elephants, it's irrelephant

[SecretSugar]

Unfortunately, I'm a dyslexic, atheist insomniac; I stay up all night wondering if there is a dog. 

[M J W J]

The dalai lama walks into a pizza shop and asks "can you make me one with everything?"

[SecretSugar]

Just heard this on Men In Black 3..

 

This coffee tastes like dirt! What do you expect, it was ground this morning! :)

[Tamworthbay]

The wife's not talking to me again. All because I wouldn't open the car door for her.

I just panicked and swam for the surface... 

[Ben_O]

Police have just found and seized my marijuana plantation...

 

Jokes on them, i was going to burn it anyway 

[SecretSugar]

What did one saggy boob say to the other? If we don't get some support soon, people will start to think we're nuts. 

 

How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket

 

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives. 

 

If Apple made a car, would it have windows?

 

To the guy who invented zero - Thanks for nothing!!

 

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it

 

My girlfriend says I never take her anywhere expensive, so I took her to a petrol station.

 

Why did the condom fly across the room? It was p***** off.

[mini93]

One of the folk I work with only has half an index finger.

Today, while reviewing an inspection standard with someone else, which contains photography of which said persons hand was in it.

The person I was reviewing stuff with was like "there's something up there" to whit I said "I cant quite put my finger on it!"

 

Well, needless to say, I laughed at my own joke...

[mini93]

Urgh... can't believe it... Someone Slashed my tyres

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[M J W J]

An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard and a German are standing watching a street performer juggle. After a minute or two the Juggler notices that the men can't see very well so stands on a box and asks "can you see me now".

 

The men reply

 

"Yes"

"Oui"

"Si"

"Ja"

Edited by M J W J, 26 October 2015 - 08:06 PM.

[SecretSugar]

What's Forrest Gump's email password? '1Forrest1'
 
How did I escape Iraq? Iran
 
I'm emotionally constipated...I haven't given a s*** in days
 
Why was Cinderella thrown off the football team? She ran away from the ball
 
What day do chickens hate the most? Friday
 
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones
 
What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? They both swallowed a lot of sea men

Edited by SecretSugar, 25 October 2015 - 06:45 PM.

[mininuts]

Got a 42" Sony television for sale. Works perfectly apart from the volume control is broken. Only want £40 for it.

At that price, no one will turn it down!

Edited by mininuts, 25 October 2015 - 06:06 PM.