498 replies to this topic

[bpirie1000]

I went to a fancy dress party last weekend dressed as a loaf of bread…

The birds were all over me.

[bpirie1000]

My optician says that when you die your eyes are the last thing to go.. they dilate......

[bpirie1000]

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my eye out.

[bpirie1000]

Patient: “I get a terrible pain in my eye when I drink a cup of coffee.”Doctor:

“Try taking the spoon out.”

[bpirie1000]

I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”.

He said, “How flexible are you?”.

I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”

[bpirie1000]

I’m just back from competing in the ‘Sun Tanning World Championship’.

I got bronze

[bpirie1000]

Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick – she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement ; “The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

[bpirie1000]

The therapist told me I might have a marriage phobia and asked if I thought I had any symptoms.

I said, “I can’t say I do.”

He said, “Yeah, that’s the main one.”

[bpirie1000]

Last year, I joined a group for anti social people.

We haven’t met yet.

[bpirie1000]

If I ever start to go bald, I’ll get a rabbit tattooed onto my head..

From a distance it would look like a hare

[bpirie1000]

Just seen that there’s a nudist convention on in town next week…

Might go if I’ve got nothing on.

[bpirie1000]

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.

On the left side, there is nothing right.

On the right side, there is nothing left.

[bpirie1000]

In Iran everyone is afraid of spiders, but in Iraq, no phobia…

[bpirie1000]

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher.

I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order.

The boss reckons I am dishlexic

[bpirie1000]

A dermatologist friend of mine started his career from scratch