497 replies to this topic

[bpirie1000]

The police just came to my house accusing my dog of chasing someone on a bike.

I explained that it was impossible.
My dog does not own a bike. Never mind being able to ride one...

[bpirie1000]

How did the intruder break into the house?

In'truder window....

[bpirie1000]

Why did the squirell scream?
Because someone pinched his nutts

[bpirie1000]

My wife is furious about our neighbour who sunbathes naked in her garden.

Personally i am on the fence with that one...

[bpirie1000]

My wife just admitted to breaking my favourate lamp.
I don't think i will look at her in the same light again....

[bpirie1000]

Why can bicycles not stand up themselves?
They are two tired.

[Shooter63]

As a non party political type, I think this sums up the current fiasco quite well.

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Shooter

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[Quinlan minor]

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[panky]

An old lady had a small shop in her village for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop.

They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said:
Butter – £2.50
In response, the old lady added a sign to her own window:
Butter – £2.40
The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign 
Butter – £2.30
Sure enough, the day after the lady’s sign now read: 
Butter – £2.20
This went on for a while until eventually one of the lady’s customers pointed to the sign and said,
“Madam, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete.”
In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered,

" I don’t sell butter.”

[Designer]

Hi,

 

A very old gentleman said to his wife,

"Mavis I have changed my mind, I am taking all my money with me when I die. Can you please promise me that you will put it all in my coffin with me"?

"Yes I promise I will carry out your instructions" said Mavis.

A few months later while a great friend of the elderly couple was visiting the old man repeated his request and asked Mavis to confirm that she would do what he requested with the friend as a witness.

"Yes I will do" confirmed Mavis.

Sadly a few weeks later the old man passed away.

The friend of the couple came to see how the widow was and asked her if she was going to carry out her late husbands wishes regarding all his money.

"Yes I am going to carry out his wishes to the letter." replied Mavis.

After the funeral the friend said to Mavis did you actually do what was asked of you.

Mavis replied "Yes I did I paid all his money into my bank account and wrote him a cheque for the full amount and put it in his hand."

 

 

Paddy

[bpirie1000]

What do you call a man who put botox in his face?

Phillip...

[bpirie1000]

What's blue and not very heavy.

Light blue.

[bpirie1000]

I called up weight watchers last week.
I said tonthem that it was a huge emergency. Asked if they could send somebody round...

They said yes... they have a large number of them...

[bpirie1000]

I was in a sexy knickers shop and i asked the assistant.

Are these knickers satin.

She said. No they are new....

[bpirie1000]

I had my neices birthday last week. I had to ask what she was into. As usual with any 4 year old i was told Frozen stuff..

I got her some chips and peas from the freezer isle...